YOUNG BLACK AND GAY IN DC

sometimes it’s jungle, don’t understand how I don’t keep from going under. I hate writing impromptu blogs because my grammar is so damn bad. anyways, I just had to get this off my chest. last night was some bullshit.

First, I never thought I would get over the word nigga. I never thought another black person would just abuse the word. I mean, I’ve read boondocks and I’ve watched the show on the cartoon channel on Sundays, but how the creator uses “nigga” is political, but I always thought of the term as a sociological experiment with black people. But last night, this asshole, I swear with every sentence and an exclamation point he kept calling me a nigga. “Do you want another cocktail nigga?” “So nigga, how was your day?” “Nigga can you pass the napkin?” “So nigga what you do for fun?”

And it just got to me after thirty minutes. I was like nigga, stop using the word nigga, because you over using it nigga!!! I mean, damn!!! I was like, I understand that I’m black and you're black, so why do you keep calling me nigga, nigga! And then finally I said look African American, if you call me a nigga one more god damn time, I’m going to hit you in your jaw. Because it stop being a term of endearment and became a term of hostility. I swear some niggas would just fuck it up for everyone. Now I really hate that fucking word and if anyone calls me a nigga again, black or white, I’m going to stomp their nigga ass.

sometimes I swear just being black, gay, attractive and young in DC makes me a hustler. I see those old white men lurking. I see those old black men lurking. Shit, I even see those old Latinos lurking. Last night I got sixty dollars just for being cute, that’s what he said. And I see how white men have those young black boys on the tip of their wallets. And it’s so easy to get a reputation in DC. If I cared, it would be an issue. But I don’t care. So, shouldn’t I not take the money, because I always take the money? My mama was a crack whore and I learned from an early age to always take the money. I remember the first time it felt dirty. I was at the bar, and this old white guy, and I don’t just mean he was in his fifties and fat, but he was old, like sucking on oxygen from a mask. He offered to buy me a drink, and of course I accepted, that’s one thing I never do is turn down a free cocktail, so while I was sipping my drink he stuck a twenty in my pocket and winked.

I didn’t understand why he did that. I mean I was just at the bar drinking and so what if I had my shirt off. Do I not suppose to take the money?

And I hate that hustler feeling? I swear some white guys, and I mean the ugliest white guys go to black bars to pick up black boys like we’re free trade. Do they really think we're that easy? Do they really think becaus they waive a twenty we will show them our supposely mandingo dicks. I love taking the money and disappointing. I don't have a big dick. I just have a cute face. i love making old white guys spend their money for nothing. i mean, do they really think we're that easy, should feel flattered, think that we're special because they're white and we're black, and it's annoying, fucking annoying, but i always take the money.

I wondered what slavery was like for black gay boys? Did we get raped constantly?

I just had to get that shit off my chest.

Comments

[Me]

I couldn't agree with you more, re the overuse of "nigga." Good for you.

But just when I was thinking how savvy your are, I read your complaints about older guys coming on to you, and people offering you money, and you suddenly didn't seem quite so savvy.

I think with age you will (hopefully) come to a more mature take on this.

Mature people understand that all kinds of people will come on to them, and that it is a free country. People can come on to whomever they please. And, setting aside for a moment the fact that prostitution is illegal, people may make any offers they wish.

Less mature people are delighted when people they LIKE come on to them, but get bent out of shape when people they don't like come on to them.

Mature people simply say no and get on with their lives.

Notice, I'm not talking about an obnoxious person who will not take no for an answer. That's different. I'm talking about the fact that you somehow seem shocked, surprised, annoyed, angry that an older guy would come on to you, or that whites (or blacks) would offer you money. Get a clue, prostitution is the oldest profession. People will always offer money for sex. You sound like you think life should somehow be magically free from annoyances, and that you should not be bothered by anything that doesn't interest you! Grow up (in this regard, because you seem grown up in other areas) and understand that when you allow yourself to get all hot and bothered by the mere fact that people you're not interested in come on to you, then you are allowing yourself and your feelings to be controlled by others around you. Why not take charge of your own life and decide for yourself what you are gonna let get you down... like, why let this get you so bothered?

As for the offering of money, they wouldn't bother trying, were it not for the fact that gazillions of young black men DO accept! And older guys would not come on to younger guys if it were not a fact that a sizable minority of younger guys DO like older guys. So why are you blaming the ones offering, but not the ones accepting? And why would you blame anyone at all?

I think that eventually you will come to see that it was your own insecurities that cause you these internalized feelings of resentment an anger merely over the fact of who and how people come on to you.

And finally... the closer I got to the end of your piece, the more you turned me off. How are you any better than the ones offering money, when you take it? On top of that, not only do you take it, but then you lash out and hurt the person. You seem proud to take their money and then give them nothing. To me, that makes you little better than an outright thief. You are going to "punish" somebody simply for making an offer that you're not interested in. Like I say, a mature person would simply say no and move on.

You are also off the mark about this assumption that everybody who wants to rent a black dick wants a big one. The fact that there are probably a dozen Yahoo groups that specialize in black men with small or tiny dicks, and those who prefer them, proves your assumption is wrong. Most gay guys prefer big dicks, no matter what color they prefer them to come in, while a sizable minority PREFER small! Presumably there are quite a number of people in the middle who don't give a shit how big your dick is. So why all the angst over this notion that everybody who comes on to you who isn't black only wants a big black dick from you?

To summarize: Life is full of annoyances, by definition. Unless a person becomes obnoxious, let him be. Just as you want to be let be. Learn to take the facts of life in stride. Be who you want to be, say no to what you don't enjoy, and just move on. Focus your energies on what you love or what you truly hate and think needs changing. And stop ripping people off just to "show" them. Being mean back at people to teach them a lesson, when they are only doing something that doesn't interest you (not something horribly bad) is not your job. Taking the high road is what makes you better, not taking the low road as long as you weren't the one who took it first.

Please take this as just food for thought, not a put-down of you personally. I think you're a pretty cool guy, actually (and I mean you, not your pictures.)

G.

[Mikey]

i think you misunderstood me. i will take a compliment anywhere i can get it, but sometimes, as my friend tyler would put it, i feel cheapened. Don't get me wrong, i am cheap, but sometimes it feels like a requirement when you're young, black and gay. that's all i was saying. then again, you are right, but i'm not a prostitute, i just play one in the clubs sometimes. and i'm never mean to people, i'm the nicest guy to a default. i actually care. i was just making an observation, not a declaration.